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It happened between one breath and the next. Her second finger, a flicker of panic, and my body locking up like a fist. My heart was hammering. My eyes were stinging.
“Marmalade,” I said.
The word had barely left my mouth when she stopped. Not slowed. Stopped. Her hands came off me, the finger withdrew as gently as a whisper, and she was somewhere beside me on the bed, on her side, one palm flat and warm on my back.
“I’ve got you,” Elena said. No game in her voice at all. “I’m right here. You did exactly the right thing. Breathe with me. In. Out.”
I breathed. The hot stinging in my eyes spilled over and I pushed my face into the pillow, mortified.
“Don’t hide. There’s nothing to hide.” She took off the harness, the whole thing, and set it on the floor out of sight. She pulled the duvet over my shoulders and lay down against me, still in her lace, her chin on my shoulder. “Can I hold you?”
“Please.”
She wrapped herself round me, warm and solid. “Do you know I was scared, too? Not of you. Of getting it wrong. I love you, and I wanted tonight to be good for you.”
“It was good,” I said, wetly. “Then it was a lot.”
“That’s allowed. That’s exactly why we have a word.” She kissed the back of my neck. “So. What do you need now?”